The Birthday Approaches

My mother's birthday is Saturday.  I am worried.  I am worried that I will spend much of the day in tears like I did Christmas eve.  It remains, that last year my mother's birthday was the last family celebration outside the hospital and so I am scared.  Not only is it a startling recollection of the last real family celebration we had it also marks the beginning of her life and the 71st birthday she never reached.

I want to go to her grave, 300 miles away and stand there and weep.  I want to go shopping for brie and Carr's table water crackers and green grapes and celebrate with some of her favorite foods..  I want to curl up in bed with the covers over my head and pretend she isn't really gone.  I want to bake her a birthday cake and put 71 candles in it and let them burn out because she isn't there to blow them out.  I want to sit around with my brothers and sister and act like we are okay, when none of us really are. 

My family and I have a group where we discuss these things about our mom, about how we miss her and the post from sister last week, was had we prepared...how do you prepare.  I just steel myself.  I have to work a bit that day, so I know I will be busy. I plan to be with a friend, the friend who lost her husband, but I don't know that I can tell her, tell her it is my mother's birthday.  I can feel the tension building in my chest and I am worried.