When you watch the person who gave birth to you stop breathing, it is a startling wake up call. You think you can handle their death before it happens. You know losing them will be hard, but you can get through it. Of course you can, but the devastation is more than is imaginable. I have a permanent pain in my chest that gently increases in ache as I think more on my mother.
I frequently think on her last words to me, which were "I love you, too" in response to my saying it to her. I think of the look on her face when she woke up that day and how she seemed so scared. I wonder if we chose to do the right thing by stopping treatment, I wonder if that is really what she wanted. I think of her eyes and as they looked into mine and I hope and pray she knew how much I really just wanted her to get better and be with us longer.
All of these thoughts cross my mind so often, they are like background noise, never ceasing, always there.
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