And You Think You Are Wierd

Today I am going to share with all of you part of my entrance essay for college....enjoy!

As a secondary education mathematics major you find that you are not common.  I sit in classes filled with engineering majors who are working hard and learning so that they can be successful in their careers.  I too wish to be successful in my career, but I know that I will be starting at a significantly lower pay than my classmates.  I could be an engineering major, but I am not passionate about it. I am passionate about teaching mathematics; this complex and detailed discipline that baffles millions, brings some to their knees and others to tears.   I was once one of those students.  Mathematics was difficult for me in elementary school and then in middle school.  It wasn’t until my ninth grade year that I had a teacher that taught me to really love math and I have loved it since.  He unveiled all the mysteries and created a dynamic learning environment. 

Helping people understand mathematics is my passion.  Just this semester I have come to love physics which is simply applied mathematics.  I hope to be a secondary education mathematics major at UMBC and declare a minor in physics.  I plan to teach after receiving my bachelors and continue on and get my masters.  My final educational goal is to complete my doctorate.  In my career, I hope to create dynamic ways of illustrating mathematical concepts and communicating the mathematical language.  I have only recently come to love physics, so my goals within that area are still developing.  The most important goal I have is to never stop learning or teaching.

What a Girl Wants

Today I watched Colin Firth.   I used to love movies, but recently I have found them sort of blah, and I find it a chore to get through a whole one; often spreading it over several days or even weeks.  Today I caught a snip of the movie What a Girl Wants with Colin Firth.  My mother loved Colin Firth.  He was frequently referred to as Mr. Darcy owing to his captivating role as said Mr. Darcy in the BBC film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.  As I watched the movie and anticipated my mother's favorite scene where he dances in his leather pants in front of the mirror, I began to cry...uncontrollably.  Don't get me wrong I recovered minutes later, but those tears came unbidden and they would not be stopped.

If there was one thing my mother and I had in common it was our love of films.  We would watch them together and it was a rare treat when we would get together and actually see a movie at the theater.  When I was 16 we went to see Sense and Sensibility and I left the theater in tears after seeing Willoughby standing on the hill at Mary Anne's wedding.  My mother was puzzled and a little out of sorts, but it soon became regular commentary to suddenly call out "Willoughby" in a weepy voice which would bring a smile to both our lips.  My mother always said I had a flair for drama.  I have always tried not to rather unsuccessfully.  

So I miss my dear Mama, my Mumby...my Mum...all of these names came from a film and they were all adapted to fit her, because she is Mrs. Dashwood, Mrs. March, and Mrs. Jones all rolled into one and I miss her more today than I did the day she passed away. 

71 Years Today

Today is my mother's birthday.  Is it right to still celebrate it?  The emotion has been building all week.  I found myself in tears more times this week than in the last month.  I find myself dwelling on her photo which is still the background on my phone.  People think grief is something you work through and then you are fine, but when you lose the person who carried you inside her and then was the one constant, that grief doesn't just stop.  So many people say you never get over the loss.  So today, in honor of my deep unaltered love for my mother I will wear this shirt.  I got it a few years ago for Mother's Day.  I only wish I had remembered I owned it earlier; it would have become a regular rotation in my weekly wardrobe.  I love you, Mom....

I Heart Mom T-shirt

What do You Say?

What do you say to someone who has lost a loved one?  What do you say?  It seems that the majority of the world is without knowledge in this area.  I know how you react.  You get solemn and then you are overwhelmed with pity, empathy.  I didn't want any of that.  I don't know how everyone else feels, maybe they want people to pity them.  I spent the first months after my mother's death not wanting to tell anyone who wasn't a friend; co-workers, etc...I didn't want those eyes of pity. 

The most important thing to do is to simply reach out and let the person know that you are there and accessible.  You are there.  That is all they want to know.  The time is confusing, overwhelming, emotionally draining, etc.  Don't expect too much in return, just let them know you are there and thinking of them and that is all they really need and if they need more, they will ask because you made yourself accessible. 

Beyond that remember that the grief doesn't evaporate it will likely be a lifetime before they get over it.  There is nothing or no one to replace what they lost and they are adjusting to life without them.  You do not need to be syrupy sweet and understanding, just know that they may be a little off kilter and don't worry about it too much if they tear up once in a while.  

Do What You Say You are Going to Do

I have a dear friend that repeats this mantra to me over and over, and it has become a voice I cannot ignore.  I can't tell you how many times I have cancelled plans, or blown off things I said I would do, or just failed to follow through on something.  I know I still do it.  I just realized today that I told my brother I would pick up something from his house and it completely slipped my mind; however, I do this much less than I used to.  Before I would consciously choose not to do or complete things that I had said I would, but now if it doesn't happen it is because I truly forgot.

It seems this world we live in is full of broken promises, promises to write or keep in touch or to help with something that never comes to fruition.  I used to be the queen of broken promises, but through my friend I have learned that this is no way to live or be a genuine person.  I used to live in fear of people relying on me because I feared I would let them down.  To combat this I would let them down on purpose so they would learn not to rely on me....yes, I did.   I know that this is no way to live.

I challenge you, all my readers to think before you make a promise or even a casual statement of good intentions.  Follow through is something I was never good at, but I have learned to make it a priority and that has made all the difference for me in my life. I no longer intentionally make promises I know I will likely not keep.  I may disappoint more people initially, but in the long run I am doing them and myself more of a favor than if I make a promise that will never come true.

A Friend that Makes You Smile

Do you have that friend?  One that just brings a smile to your face almost no matter what they say; the one whose very presence causes your mood to lift and you life to brighten.  I have one.  I only met him recently while taking German this past semester.  He always has something interesting to say and something witty to share.  He is nine years my junior, but that doesn't seem to affect the enjoyment we take in each others company. 

My favorite thing about him is that he doesn't care that I like to do things last minute and that he is pretty much up for anything he hasn't done before.  He talks faster than me, which is an amazing accomplishment, and he isn't afraid to be himself.  His latest comment was that I failed to put him in my blog, so here is an entire day dedicated to the very fact that he exists and what a wonderful influence he is currently having on my life. 

If only they made more people like him......TN.

Dreams

I don't remember my dreams, do you?  I hardly do.  About two months ago, I dreamed about my mother and she wasn't dead.  She was alive and we had thought she was dead, but she was back and doing better. I apologized to her telling her we had thrown away some of her belongings from the house.  I woke up with a renewed sense of loss, and longing for those moments in my sleep when I still had my mother.  It makes me wish I could remember my dreams.

And Then They are Gone

When you watch the person who gave birth to you stop breathing, it is a startling wake up call.  You think you can handle their death before it happens.  You know losing them will be hard, but you can get through it.  Of course you can, but the devastation is more than is imaginable. I have a permanent pain in my chest that gently increases in ache as I think more on my mother.

I frequently think on her last words to me, which were "I love you, too" in response to my saying it to her.  I think of the look on her face when she woke up that day and how she seemed so scared.  I wonder if we chose to do the right thing by stopping treatment, I wonder if that is really what she wanted.  I think of her eyes and as they looked into mine and I hope and pray she knew how much I really just wanted her to get better and be with us longer.

All of these thoughts cross my mind so often, they are like background noise, never ceasing, always there.

The Birthday Approaches

My mother's birthday is Saturday.  I am worried.  I am worried that I will spend much of the day in tears like I did Christmas eve.  It remains, that last year my mother's birthday was the last family celebration outside the hospital and so I am scared.  Not only is it a startling recollection of the last real family celebration we had it also marks the beginning of her life and the 71st birthday she never reached.

I want to go to her grave, 300 miles away and stand there and weep.  I want to go shopping for brie and Carr's table water crackers and green grapes and celebrate with some of her favorite foods..  I want to curl up in bed with the covers over my head and pretend she isn't really gone.  I want to bake her a birthday cake and put 71 candles in it and let them burn out because she isn't there to blow them out.  I want to sit around with my brothers and sister and act like we are okay, when none of us really are. 

My family and I have a group where we discuss these things about our mom, about how we miss her and the post from sister last week, was had we prepared...how do you prepare.  I just steel myself.  I have to work a bit that day, so I know I will be busy. I plan to be with a friend, the friend who lost her husband, but I don't know that I can tell her, tell her it is my mother's birthday.  I can feel the tension building in my chest and I am worried. 

My Inspiration-My Mother

Once upon a time there was a young girl who dreamed of nothing but going to college.  Her father didn't think she should and so he had her got to secretarial school.  When she finished she moved to a big city and worked as a secretary and went to night school to get her degree.  Not long after that she met a handsome young man and she fell madly in love with him and they were married.  For seven years she worked and went to school.  Then she got the most wonderful gift of all, a baby boy.  Now she wanted to be the best mother she could be and she was. 

Twenty-two years later the man she fell madly in love with left her and she decided to finish her school.  She worked and went to school full-time while raising the last two of her six children.  Finally when she was 55 she earned her bachelor degree in English.  That wasn't enough, she went on to get a masters. She achieved her dream.  She then spent the last ten years of her life teaching English at the local community college. 

If my mother taught me nothing else, she instilled in me the fact that it is never too late to follow your dreams and never too late to be what you ought to be.

Thank you, Mom.

Life is Short and So...

Each and every day we are bombarded with things that must be done.  We have demands placed on us by our own physical needs and our families, as well as all our wants and desires.  This expands to include our friends, our job, society, and even our government.  So many demands on our time how do we even find time to accomplish anything beyond our daily tasks.  Some of us don't, some of us are constantly placing those things that aren't necessary to the bottom of our list and they will never make it to the top even if they are important for our sanity.

Those things need to make it to the top and we must make them a priority.  I once saw an object lesson done, where our life was represented by a jar and then there were three large rocks that were those things that are important for our sanity, we will call them fundamental needs.  Then there was rice, tiny little grains of rice that represented all the hundreds of things we must do each day to simply survive and satisfy those we answer to.  If we place the rice in first, there is no room for the rocks they don't fit, but if we place the rocks in first the rice slips in nicely around them and we can fit them all in our daily life.

If we remember to always put our fundamental needs first, meditation (prayer), enrichment, etc., we will find that all those other things will slip in nicely around the things that matter the most.  If we do not begin putting those things first we are only going to wear ourselves down faster than if we do.  

Objects are Not a Source of Happiness

When I was working as an underwriter I made very good money and I was miserable.  I bought every object I found appealing and lived for shopping or purchasing something that would give me that momentary happiness of acquiring something.  It was always short lived, sometimes it wouldn't even make it out of the car before it no longer made me happy.   New clothes, purses, shoes, organizing tools, movies, gadgets, and gifts...gifts galore.  I overspent on every holiday, trying to find an extra dime here or there to buy one last thing for anyone and everyone.

My mother had this same problems with objects.  She looked for happiness in them and she always came up short.  Cleaning out her home has been a chore.  I helped some, but with school and work, I haven't had much time.  That chore has fallen primarily to my brother. The amount of stuff is overwhelming, even more overwhelming is the amount of stuff with no significant value.  I know that my mother had caught the disease of thinking that these items made her happy. 

What I have learned is that the more things we have, the more cumbersome our life becomes.  I choose to only purchase things that will make my life less cumbersome.  If happiness comes from making correct choices, how can we even expect to have those choices when we are weighed down by things that take our money and our time.  Things do not make us happy, we do.