Grieving is a Long Process

I get dressed in the morning and I think of my mother.  I blow dry my hair and I think of my mother.  I eat and I think of my mother.  The days are slowly creeping to the 6 month mark of her death and I am no further through my grieving process.  Christmas Eve was the worst day of the last 6 months, I cried all morning.  I don't have children of my own, despite having 5 brothers and sisters and 12 nieces and nephews, I spent that morning alone.  I buried myself in the blanket that was my mothers and cried over the memories of every Christmas since I was a child.  How she made it so magical and it was always about the kids, never the adults.

I don't spend all day crying, I don't even cry every day or every week.  I do well up with tears at least twice a week, but I blink them back.  I do cry, I am crying now.  Her birthday approaches; one month from today, and I am afraid, am afraid it will be worse than Christmas Eve.  It was the last family celebration we had with her before she was admitted to a hospital and never came out again.

Before my mother passed I was depressed, severely depressed.  I had been for years and it was such a way of life that I didn't hardly realize the effect it was having on my life.  Losing her has snapped me out of that 10-15 year depression and I for the first time in years have an interest in truly bettering myself as a human being and the world around me.  So on a daily basis from moment to moment I would say I am happier since my mother died, but not because she died.  I miss her, my heart misses her and according to my father who lost his mother nearly 50 years ago, missing her will not diminish with time. This is a new way of life.